just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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