My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
