as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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