chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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