Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
