my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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