I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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