I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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