Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
