How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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