Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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