So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
