It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
