last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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