Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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