You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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