The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
