having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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