forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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