Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He did a backflip because drugs
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