Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
