I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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