I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
