you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
