Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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