Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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