Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
