sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
