her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
40s are totally the cure
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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