I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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