I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
