Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.