Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.