It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
