I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.