my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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