i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
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Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
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tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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