I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
