and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Vodka?
Forever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
