just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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