At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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