some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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