I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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