Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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