if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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