so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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