i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
