I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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