I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
