I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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