its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
