my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
