If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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