i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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