I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
