you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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