...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
