I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
