Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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