You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
