I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
