I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
