Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
