I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You smell like stripper and shame
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
